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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23088160">Paradigm Shift</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maria_de_Salinas/pseuds/Maria_de_Salinas'>Maria_de_Salinas</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Crack, Dark Comedy, First War with Voldemort, Gen, POV Severus Snape, corporate bs</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 11:48:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,330</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23088160</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maria_de_Salinas/pseuds/Maria_de_Salinas</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Disappointed with the Death Eaters' recent performance, Lord Voldemort gets some inspiration from Muggle business management. Nineteen-year-old Severus Snape is not impressed.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>41</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Paradigm Shift</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is just a crack piece I wrote for fun. I didn't have any particular reason for giving it an M rating, I just didn't feel right rating it T. I threw in a few references to the Weird Al song "Mission Statement," which served as partial inspiration for this. </p><p>Thanks so much for reading and I hope you enjoy it.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Snape paused at the entrance to Malfoy Manor, taking deep breaths and ridding himself of all thought, all emotion, save for his overwhelming, blinding rage at Potter, which the Dark Lord found acceptable. </p><p>The others were sitting around the Malfoy's conveniently large dining room table, hands at their sides, faces serious and slightly terrified.</p><p>"Severus, next to Karkaroff," said the Dark Lord. Snape took his seat and Karkaroff gave him the smallest nod, which Snape didn't return because he thought Karkaroff was a prat.</p><p>"Now," said the Dark Lord, "before we begin, I must say that I confess myself disappointed." He looked slowly and ominously around at them all, letting the silence linger for a good five minutes as they all shivered. Karkaroff twitched beside him and Snape suppressed a shudder.</p><p>"I see your performance has been slipping," the Dark Lord continued, looking down at the clipboard in front of him. "Murders are down 50 percent. Raiding and pillaging is down 75 percent. And Bellatrix here is the only one who's managed to meet her quota for Muggle torture."</p><p>Bellatrix smirked and thrust her chest out and Snape refrained from rolling his eyes with great difficulty.</p><p>"And so it seems," said the Dark Lord, paying no attention to Bellatrix's chest, "that Mulciber here thinks I am being heavy-handed in my leadership."</p><p>Mulciber's mouth opened a little and his face grew pale. The poor bastard had no idea how the Dark Lord knew. </p><p>"M-my Lord," he said, "I would never say that, never-"</p><p>"Actually, Mulciber, Lord Voldemort happens to agree with you."</p><p>"Y-you do, my Lord?" Mulciber's face was shining with sweat and he glanced around at them all, and Snape gave the smallest shake of the head. Obviously, it was some sort of trap-it was never a good sign when the Dark Lord started referring to himself in the third person-but he didn't have a clue where he was going with it. </p><p>"Lord Voldemort knows there is a problem. And Lord Voldemort thought to himself, how can Lord Voldemort keep his Death Eaters happy and productive? And the answer came to Lord Voldemort, courtesy of his friend Lucius here." He nodded to Lucius and pulled a book out of his robes as Lucius smirked. Snape looked at the title. <em>Paradigm Shift: A Radical New Approach to Business Success</em>. </p><p>"Lucius picked up this fascinating little book for me on our last raid in Bristol, and I think it may prove useful." </p><p>Snape supposed Lucius must have Summoned it out of the library before he burned it down. </p><p>"Now," said the Dark Lord, licking a finger and flipping through the pages, "I do believe that what we need here is more, what is the word-" he looked down. "Teamwork. Yes, we're clearly not working together as a team." </p><p>He looked around at them all. "Synergy!" he hissed. Karkaroff jumped. "The whole is greater than the sum of its parts. Now. It says here to start with-" he looked down-"ice-breakers. So, I would like you all to pair up and tell each other what one item you would bring with you if you were stranded on a desert island."</p><p>That was the stupidest damn question Snape had ever been asked. He saw Karkaroff trying to catch his eye but turned away from him and found himself facing Bellatrix. "So," he said, his low, silken Alan Rickman-esque voice practically dripping with sarcasm, "what would you bring with you if you were stranded on a desert island?"</p><p>Bellatrix licked her lips. "I would bring the Dark Lord," she said, "and I would let him lay me down on the sand and lick every inch of my-"</p><p>"I didn't ask you to go into details," said Snape through clenched teeth. </p><p>"Fine," said Bellatrix, "what would you take with you then?"</p><p>"I would be so happy to be away from idiots all day that I wouldn't have to bring anything," said Snape. Bellatrix made a face.</p><p>"Now that we've broken the ice," said the Dark Lord, "It's time for a trust-building exercise. I would like each of you to take turns falling into each other's arms."</p><p>Snape looked at Bellatrix and she looked at him, a little smile curling her lips. "You can go first," they said at almost the same time. </p><p>"No, you," said Bellatrix.</p><p>"No, I insist-"</p><p>There was a thud; Macnair had fallen to the floor. Amycus was standing over him, giggling. Macnair rubbed the back of his head and reached into his pocket for his wand. </p><p>"You lying little bastard!"</p><p>"What is thissss?" hissed the Dark Lord. Amycus stopped laughing at once. The Dark Lord looked at them all. "How are we ever to trust one another like this? Lord Voldemort is displeased." Amycus cringed, waiting for the curse to hit him.</p><p>"Now, Macnair, tell me, have things like this happened before?" Amycus did a double-take and Snape's mouth opened a little. </p><p>Macnair looked as though he'd been waiting to be ask this. "Yeah, yeah it has. Just last week I couldn't get my Reductor Curse to work when I was trying to blow up an orphanage and Yaxley laughed at me."</p><p>"I see," said the Dark Lord. "And how does that make you feel?"</p><p>Macnair glanced at Yaxley and looked down at the floor. "It makes me feel devalued as a person," he said. </p><p>"I'm so sorry my Lord," said Yaxley in a high-pitched voice. </p><p>"You should be, Yaxley," said the Dark Lord. "We will have no more of this, or you will face my unending wrath." Lucius cleared his throat a little and nodded his head towards the book. The Dark Lord took the hint and began to read. </p><p>"Or you will have the opportunity to discuss this with me in a one-on-one," he read, voice stilted. "Right then. From now on, we will be scheduling daily team meetings. We must-" he looked down at his book. "Create exceptional synergy. Oh, and we'll be instituting casual Fridays, so no need to wear your Death Eater robes to tomorrow's meeting. You may go."</p><p>Snape left the manor and went back to his mother's house in Spinner's End, going straight up to his room. He had a bad feeling about this. </p><p>He was lying on his bed a few days later, thinking about how hard it was to be smarter than everyone else, when there was a tap on his window. He opened it to find and Eagle owl with an envelope in its beak. He slit it open with a long black fingernail and read the memo inside.</p><p>
  <em>To: The Death Eaters</em>
</p><p>
  <em>From: Lord Voldemort</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Date: April 7, 1979</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Subject: Next Week's Raid</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Please be informed that next week we will be conducting a raid on London. We will be looting the British Museum, so please bring bags with an Undetectable Extension Charm put on them. Attendance is not mandatory. Please indicate below whether you wish to attend.</em>
</p><p>Snape read it over again, then paused, tracing his exquisitely sculpted cheekbones with a long, thin finger. Finally, he Summoned a quill and marked "yes."</p><p>                                                                                                                            ***</p><p>The next day's team meeting was an hour of the most tedious, pointless nonsense Snape had ever had to endure. All he wanted was to go to the Hog's Head and drown his stress in Firewhisky, but the Dark Lord still had more business.</p><p>"Crabbe," he said. "You've indicated that you do not wish to attend next week's raid."</p><p>"Well," said Crabbe, looking flustered, "you see, my Lord, I have tickets to a Tornadoes game and..."</p><p>"So you think Quidditch more important than the Death Eaters?"</p><p>"No, my Lord, it's just that...well, you said it wasn't mandatory."</p><p>"It is not," said the Dark Lord.</p><p>"But then...I don't have to go?"</p><p>There was a very long pause.</p><p>"No, no, you don't," said the Dark Lord.</p><p>"So...." his voice trailed off into a question.</p><p>"I want you to want to go," said the Dark Lord. His expression became more ominous. "You do want to go, don't you?"</p><p>Snape could practically see the wheels slowly starting to spin in his brain. "Yes, my Lord, of course I want to."</p><p>"Excellent." There was a pause as the Dark Lord took a long sip of tea from a mug that said "#1 Manager" on it. Lucius smiled a little beside him and Snape would have bet all the gold in his vault that the little arse-kisser had gone out and gotten it for him.</p><p>"Now, for today's daily scrum, I thought we'd have a little brainstorming session."</p><p>A part of Snape's soul died.</p><p>"Now, it seems that some of the old families are becoming reluctant to join us. It is clear to me that our organization needs to be a bit more agile."</p><p>A hand shot into the air. </p><p>"Yes, Dolohov?"</p><p>"My Lord, what is an agile organization?"</p><p>The Dark Lord paused and looked down at his book. "It is an organization that embraces the agile philosophy."</p><p>"But what is agile philosophy, my Lord?"</p><p>The Dark Lord just stared him down with his snakelike eyes and it was obvious he didn't have a fucking clue. "Let's not concern ourselves with that just now," he said. "We have bigger problems. Now, does anyone have any ideas as to how we can improve our brand? Yes, Rosier?"</p><p>"Well," said Evan, "We could try not threatening to kill their families if they don't join."</p><p>"Hmm," said the Dark Lord, and Snape could tell he thought the idea was complete shit. "Let's try to think outside the box, here. Yes, Rodolphus?"</p><p>"My Lord, there's a marketing firm in Diagon Alley we could try. We could have them re-design our logo and print up some t-shirts and mugs. Balloons for the children. It would really increase our brand visibility."</p><p>There were appreciative nods and murmers around the table. </p><p>"Yes, not a bad idea," said the Dark Lord. "I'll let you have the honor, Roldophus. If you could have that done by tomorrow, that would be most excellent. Now, is there any other business?"</p><p>No one said anything. "Very well. There will be a team-building outing at the White Wyvern in Knockturn Alley. You are welcome to join in."</p><p>Snape knew he bloody well better join in, even though he was in no mood to socialize, and made his way out of the Manor with them.</p><p>                                                                                                                            ***</p><p>Snape had always preferred shutting himself away in Malfoy Manor making potions to raids, but it was rather fun to watch everyone flee from him in terror, a decent stress reliever after a long week. Macnair was trying to blast the doors to the British Museum open with a Reductor Curse and Yaxley was laughing at him, until Macnair threatened to tell the Dark Lord. That wiped the smile right off Yaxley's face. </p><p>Snape wouldn't have minded having a look around the museum, it was such a fascinating place, but he started looting it with the rest of them-or pretending too anyway. Really he was examining Greek vases. Crabbe and Avery ran past carrying an armful of Assyrian fertility statues and laughing like a couple of bloody wankers.</p><p>Bellatrix had captured a Muggle curator and when Snape returned to Malfoy Manor it was to find him tied up in a chair in the dining room. Bellatrix licked her lips and raised her wand. "<em>Cruc</em>-"</p><p>"Wait," said Lucius. "He could have valuable information. Severus, you have Veritaserum?" Snape nodded.</p><p>"We can get his memories afterward," hissed Bellatrix. </p><p>"Excuse me, Bellatrix, but I am second-in-command here and-"</p><p>"Silence!" said the Dark Lord. He looked round at them all.  "It is time to call another team meeting." </p><p>He pulled his book out of his robes and began to look through it. "Right. I would like us all to create a positive space for civil discussion. Our aim is to..." he looked down at his book. "Achieve consensus, in a way that is aligned with our organization's core values." He set his book down. "Now, Bellatrix, you wished to torture him senseless?"</p><p>"Yes, my Lord," said Bellatrix, her breath coming fast.</p><p>"And how do you feel that would contribute to our organization's success?"</p><p>"Because...because..." Snape supposed she knew that "because it's fun" wasn't going to cut it here. "Because I feel it would develop a robust approach for agile transformation," she said, smirking. The Dark Lord looked utterly impressed with this bullshit. Lucius glared at her.</p><p>"Lucius? You look like you have something to say."</p><p>"I disagree, my Lord," he said, trying to sound ingratiating.</p><p>While they sat and had their discussion, Snape glanced at the curator. He was looking back at them, completely nonplussed. With the smallest flick of the wand, Snape undid his bindings, fixing him with an intense stare that told him not to make a sound. To his relief, the man slipped out of the room without a word. Snape really did rather like those vases.</p><p>"...so we must all efficiently operationalize our strategy," the Dark Lord was saying. He turned to where the man had been tied up. </p><p>"Where is he?" he hissed, half-standing and looking around the room. Snape kept his face impassive and thought about how much he hated Potter.</p><p>He raised his wand. "<em>Cruc</em>-"</p><p>Lucius cleared his throat. The Dark Lord stood there, chest heaving, trying to recover himself, then sat back down. "You will all be subject to a performance review," he said. "Now get out of my sight."</p><p>                                                                                                                             ***</p><p>After two weeks, Snape was sick of it all. Sick of the endless meetings, the passive-aggressive memos, the team-building exercises. Something of this must have shown on his face, because the moment he walked into the dining room of Malfoy Manor, the Dark Lord spoke, smirking a little.</p><p>"Looks like somebody has a case of the Mondays."</p><p>It cost Snape everything he had not to pick up his wand and curse him. He was so done with this shit. </p><p>He went over to Dumbledore that night.</p><p> </p>
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